meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I am midnight drunk by noon
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
