I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
