just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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