I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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