Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
