And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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