is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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