thus making me awesome and them whores
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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