Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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