I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
