I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
