I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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