I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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