Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
