wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize