chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
