They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
