After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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