i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
