Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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