YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
