I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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