im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
