wrigley field is MILF paradise
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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