a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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