he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
