So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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