and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
