weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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