I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
