My sheets look like a crime scene.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
