I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Randomize
