cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
