i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
