Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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