Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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