my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
