Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
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