I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
His hands were made for my vagina.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
