New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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