we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
