a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
