my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
