Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
