This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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