On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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