Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
