While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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