the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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