You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
