So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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