I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
