There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize
