so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
