It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
