I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
