i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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