Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
