i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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