You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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