we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
