You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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