tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
