There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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