my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
